Christmas shopping gets harder for me every year. I seem to be in some kind of weird competition with myself, I always gotta try to top myself from last year and now I can't see anywhere else to go without getting ridiculous. What do you get a 11 year old girl who doesn't play with anything for more than 3 days? Everybody always says clothes. That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Should I get her soap and let her eat dinner too? Isn't that my job anyway? Don't get me wrong, I can remember as a kid running downstairs Christmas morning searching frantically for my brand new wardrobe, grabbing that extra special looking box, tearing it open and shouting "YES! YES! I got them, Santa is real! I will never take my brand new Scooby-Doo underwear off again!" But alas. Many, many years later, they're getting kinda tight and they make my asshole itch.
Scooby-Doo underwear, what a cruel practical joke that was. It's not even like they were just in a bag or something. They were in a big box, wrapped ever so nicely with a big bow and all. It's from Grand mom too, so it has to be good!....Oh....thanks Grand mom :(. I think she hated me. But I digress.
So what to get the girl who wants everything and plays with nothing. I'm thinking about just renting a bunch of crap and returning it when she gets tired of it. Or at least the next day, I don't think Rent-A-Center is open Christmas night. Or rewrapping all her presents from last year and hoping she doesn't notice.
But I'll just wind up spending a butt load of money, like every year. It'll get thrown in the closet, like every year. And I'll get sick to my stomach every time I see the crap, like every year.
It could be worse though, we could be Jewish. 8 days? You kidding me? No thanks!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Rudolph: Victim of Society
Update: Check this out, of all the things that I so eloquently pointed out about Rudolph, this is what some idiot had to complain about!
I just watched the classic Christmas special from 1964, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, last night ( I know, shut up) and seeing it for the first time in years had me cracking up the whole time. It was hilarious to see such intolerance permeating a children's Christmas cartoon.
I've learned in my years, mostly through song, that reindeer are the most intolerant of all species, so much more than those dogs who only bark at black people. But the biggest shock of this show was seeing what a total dick Santa was being. Et tu Santa?
Right after Rudolph was born Santa stopped by the Reindeer's lair to say hello, and was taken aback by Rudolph's shiny red nose. Quite rudely I may add, kinda like asking a burn victim "Holy crap! What happened to your face?" But after Blitzen assured Santa that Rudolph would grow outta his nose, Santa said "Well he better if he wants any chance at the reindeer games!"
I mean I always understood that Santa wasn't too keen on the Jews, but I just didn't realize how deep his hatred ran, to extend to even his own reindeer? I quite frankly expected better out of jolly ol' St. Nick!
Oh but it goes so much further. At the reindeer games Blitzen had fashioned a black nose cover for Rudolph to hide his red nose, but after he flew up in the air and landed, the nose came off, to the amazement of the crowd of reindeer. In all the commotion Santa comes up to Blitzen and says "Yoooou oughta be ashamed of yourself, too bad, he had a nice take off too." Man, I was floored!
I was half expecting Santa to be draped in a Confederate flag by a couple of racist bluebirds while a choir of white hooded elves whistled Dixie in the background.
But on to what really made this show creepy. After defeating the giant snow monster with an ice block and a boulder to the head, Herbie, the elf who wanted to be a dentist, yanked out all of the monsters teeth while apparently he was unconscious. While the whole time they could have been escaping, the sadistic bastards take the time to pull out every single one of his teeth. What in the holy hell was that? And in the end they train the thing to decorate the Christmas tree! Who wrote this crap, George Bush and Dick Cheney? See kids, torture does work!
But in the end it goes just like the song. Suddenly everybody loves Rudolph because he got something they need. Hell of a moral, its okay to be mean to people until you need something from them, Merry Christmas kids! If I have any animators reading, I would love to see an alternate ending with Rudolph going off like "Ohhhh, now you love me, nowwww you shout out with glee, you think we're all gonna have a big hug and everything gonna be cool, well you all can suck my reindeer nuts, why don't Santa pull down his pants and let his big fat shiny red ass lead the way, I'm out! See ya bitches!" Or something like that.
But my point is, with all the sanitizing of Sesame Street and what not (Cookie monster gotta eat carrots now, and I think Oscar's on prozac or something), how the hell did this get past the PC Nazis? I mean just the fact that I loved every second of it says that something must be wrong with it, right? Maybe they're just on vacation this time of year. Here's hoping they don't come back!
I just watched the classic Christmas special from 1964, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, last night ( I know, shut up) and seeing it for the first time in years had me cracking up the whole time. It was hilarious to see such intolerance permeating a children's Christmas cartoon.
I've learned in my years, mostly through song, that reindeer are the most intolerant of all species, so much more than those dogs who only bark at black people. But the biggest shock of this show was seeing what a total dick Santa was being. Et tu Santa?
Right after Rudolph was born Santa stopped by the Reindeer's lair to say hello, and was taken aback by Rudolph's shiny red nose. Quite rudely I may add, kinda like asking a burn victim "Holy crap! What happened to your face?" But after Blitzen assured Santa that Rudolph would grow outta his nose, Santa said "Well he better if he wants any chance at the reindeer games!"
I mean I always understood that Santa wasn't too keen on the Jews, but I just didn't realize how deep his hatred ran, to extend to even his own reindeer? I quite frankly expected better out of jolly ol' St. Nick!
Oh but it goes so much further. At the reindeer games Blitzen had fashioned a black nose cover for Rudolph to hide his red nose, but after he flew up in the air and landed, the nose came off, to the amazement of the crowd of reindeer. In all the commotion Santa comes up to Blitzen and says "Yoooou oughta be ashamed of yourself, too bad, he had a nice take off too." Man, I was floored!
I was half expecting Santa to be draped in a Confederate flag by a couple of racist bluebirds while a choir of white hooded elves whistled Dixie in the background.
But on to what really made this show creepy. After defeating the giant snow monster with an ice block and a boulder to the head, Herbie, the elf who wanted to be a dentist, yanked out all of the monsters teeth while apparently he was unconscious. While the whole time they could have been escaping, the sadistic bastards take the time to pull out every single one of his teeth. What in the holy hell was that? And in the end they train the thing to decorate the Christmas tree! Who wrote this crap, George Bush and Dick Cheney? See kids, torture does work!
But in the end it goes just like the song. Suddenly everybody loves Rudolph because he got something they need. Hell of a moral, its okay to be mean to people until you need something from them, Merry Christmas kids! If I have any animators reading, I would love to see an alternate ending with Rudolph going off like "Ohhhh, now you love me, nowwww you shout out with glee, you think we're all gonna have a big hug and everything gonna be cool, well you all can suck my reindeer nuts, why don't Santa pull down his pants and let his big fat shiny red ass lead the way, I'm out! See ya bitches!" Or something like that.
But my point is, with all the sanitizing of Sesame Street and what not (Cookie monster gotta eat carrots now, and I think Oscar's on prozac or something), how the hell did this get past the PC Nazis? I mean just the fact that I loved every second of it says that something must be wrong with it, right? Maybe they're just on vacation this time of year. Here's hoping they don't come back!
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