Christmas Shopping, Ugh!

Christmas shopping gets harder for me every year. I seem to be in some kind of weird competition with myself, I always gotta try to top myself from last year and now I can't see anywhere else to go without getting ridiculous. What do you get a 11 year old girl who doesn't play with anything for more than 3 days? Everybody always says clothes. That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Should I get her soap and let her eat dinner too? Isn't that my job anyway? Don't get me wrong, I can remember as a kid running downstairs Christmas morning searching frantically for my brand new wardrobe, grabbing that extra special looking box, tearing it open and shouting "YES! YES! I got them, Santa is real! I will never take my brand new Scooby-Doo underwear off again!" But alas. Many, many years later, they're getting kinda tight and they make my asshole itch.
Scooby-Doo underwear, what a cruel practical joke that was. It's not even like they were just in a bag or something. They were in a big box, wrapped ever so nicely with a big bow and all. It's from Grand mom too, so it has to be good!....Oh....thanks Grand mom :(. I think she hated me. But I digress.
So what to get the girl who wants everything and plays with nothing. I'm thinking about just renting a bunch of crap and returning it when she gets tired of it. Or at least the next day, I don't think Rent-A-Center is open Christmas night. Or rewrapping all her presents from last year and hoping she doesn't notice.
But I'll just wind up spending a butt load of money, like every year. It'll get thrown in the closet, like every year. And I'll get sick to my stomach every time I see the crap, like every year.
It could be worse though, we could be Jewish. 8 days? You kidding me? No thanks!

Rudolph: Victim of Society

Update: Check this out, of all the things that I so eloquently pointed out about Rudolph, this is what some idiot had to complain about!


I just watched the classic Christmas special from 1964, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, last night ( I know, shut up) and seeing it for the first time in years had me cracking up the whole time. It was hilarious to see such intolerance permeating a children's Christmas cartoon.
I've learned in my years, mostly through song, that reindeer are the most intolerant of all species, so much more than those dogs who only bark at black people. But the biggest shock of this show was seeing what a total dick Santa was being. Et tu Santa?
Right after Rudolph was born Santa stopped by the Reindeer's lair to say hello, and was taken aback by Rudolph's shiny red nose. Quite rudely I may add, kinda like asking a burn victim "Holy crap! What happened to your face?" But after Blitzen assured Santa that Rudolph would grow outta his nose, Santa said "Well he better if he wants any chance at the reindeer games!"
I mean I always understood that Santa wasn't too keen on the Jews, but I just didn't realize how deep his hatred ran, to extend to even his own reindeer? I quite frankly expected better out of jolly ol' St. Nick!
Oh but it goes so much further. At the reindeer games Blitzen had fashioned a black nose cover for Rudolph to hide his red nose, but after he flew up in the air and landed, the nose came off, to the amazement of the crowd of reindeer. In all the commotion Santa comes up to Blitzen and says "Yoooou oughta be ashamed of yourself, too bad, he had a nice take off too." Man, I was floored!
I was half expecting Santa to be draped in a Confederate flag by a couple of racist bluebirds while a choir of white hooded elves whistled Dixie in the background.
But on to what really made this show creepy. After defeating the giant snow monster with an ice block and a boulder to the head, Herbie, the elf who wanted to be a dentist, yanked out all of the monsters teeth while apparently he was unconscious. While the whole time they could have been escaping, the sadistic bastards take the time to pull out every single one of his teeth. What in the holy hell was that? And in the end they train the thing to decorate the Christmas tree! Who wrote this crap, George Bush and Dick Cheney? See kids, torture does work!
But in the end it goes just like the song. Suddenly everybody loves Rudolph because he got something they need. Hell of a moral, its okay to be mean to people until you need something from them, Merry Christmas kids! If I have any animators reading, I would love to see an alternate ending with Rudolph going off like "Ohhhh, now you love me, nowwww you shout out with glee, you think we're all gonna have a big hug and everything gonna be cool, well you all can suck my reindeer nuts, why don't Santa pull down his pants and let his big fat shiny red ass lead the way, I'm out! See ya bitches!" Or something like that.
But my point is, with all the sanitizing of Sesame Street and what not (Cookie monster gotta eat carrots now, and I think Oscar's on prozac or something), how the hell did this get past the PC Nazis? I mean just the fact that I loved every second of it says that something must be wrong with it, right? Maybe they're just on vacation this time of year. Here's hoping they don't come back!

Freedom of the press sucks ass!

Freedom of the press. I think this amendment is taken far too literally, even more so than any other amendment. The news can say anything they want about anybody as long as they say that one magic word: "Allegedly". Or that other phrase: "According to so and so...", which basically means, "Hey, we're not saying it, we're just repeating what they said."
They shouldn't be allowed to give a person's name or show his picture unless he is actually found guilty. Once a person is publicly accused of something, it sticks, whether they are found guilty or not. If they are found not guilty, they just got away with it. This kind of reporting can and does ruin lives.
Accusations involving murder, rape, and anything to do with kids will make you a social pariah regardless of the outcome at trial. Especially the third one. The first two will usually split the vote on whether or not you did it. But kids? Unless they were in police custody at the time it happened, on video tape, holding that days newspaper, that son of a bitch did it!
But the biggies aside, my newspaper runs about five pages of mugshots, complete with name and where it happened, from time to time full of men who are ACCUSED of soliciting prostitutes.
Now imagine you're out late one night trying to find an Olive Garden to surprise your wife with a delicious salad. Finally out of sheer frustration you go against your male instincts and decide to ask for directions from that sweet looking girl standing on the corner that looks a little too old to be wearing a catholic school uniform, but hey, maybe she's just a little slow. You pull up next to her and yell out "Hey, do you know anywhere I can get a tossed salad?" She smiles, pulls out her badge, and now you're locked up, face in the newspaper, joke of the neighborhood, and probably getting a divorce because you were to cheap to spring for a navigation system. Does the word allegedly next to "soliciting prostitution" under your mugshot give you any comfort? I didn't think so.

Commercial Appeal

Can anybody help me figure out what the hell's up with that toilet paper commercial with the bears? Apparently this toilet paper is soooo good that it doesn't rip apart and get stuck to your ass when you wipe. What I wanna know is, who the hell has this problem? I think that if you do have this problem, what you really need is a shower, not "special toilet paper".
Is this for those special kids who eat the paste in school all day long, then come home and take huge adhesive dumps? And on the commercial itself, who at Charmin (or whoever makes this super strong non ass binding toilet paper) thought it would be cute to show a bear emerging from behind a tree after taking an implied dump with little pieces of toilet paper stuck to his ass and have another bear run up behind him to help get it off. I just threw up a little in my mouth.
But what really pisses me off is that Aspercream had to change their jingle from "You bet your sweet ASS-percream!" to "You bet if its Aspercream". They deny us this comic gold (I giggled like a 1st grader after somebody farted every time I saw this commercial), yet bears crapping in the woods doesn't seem to raise an eyebrow. WTF?

My new favorite commercial is the one with the home pregnancy test that's billed as "The most technologically advanced thing you will ever pee on."
While this may be true of most people, I must take exception. Once, in a drunken stupor, my uncle awoke and somehow mistook my parents' living room for the bathroom, and pissed all over the cable box which was on top of the T.V. Yes, we had to get another cable box. (Try explaining that one to the cable guy!)
I am sure a cable box is infinitely more technologically advanced than any home pregnancy test.
I know, I know, my uncle would have no reason to piss on a home pregnancy test (not that he had one to piss on the cable box) and that they were speaking to women who would have to show an amazing amount of balance while being totally wasted to be able to get up on top of a T.V. set, squat down, and piss all over a cable box.
But still, they didn't qualify who they were talking to, so I stand by my argument.
Makes me laugh every time though.

Don't call them Pro-life!

I'm really getting annoyed with the term "Pro-life". The Anti-choicers use this term to try to make it sound like the other side is pro-abortion. I am both pro-choice and pro-life. And I'm sure that nobody is pro-abortion. I have never seen commercials, pamphlets, people knocking on my door at dinner time dressed in their best suits and dresses, or even so much as a newspaper ad trying to talk women into getting abortions. I have never heard of any maternity wards getting bombed or of any death threats against obstetricians. They are, as their name suggests, Pro-choice.
Now I understand that its their little fanatical club, and they can call themselves whatever they want. But when other people refer to them as pro-life, including even pro-choicers and all media and politicians and the like, it serves nothing but to play into the notion that pro-choicers are unrepentant baby killers who think everybody should get an abortion.
The reason they don't call themselves anti-choice is that people will make the connection that, hey these guys are trying to take away our right to choose, and those people aren't. Choice is good right? They would go from "saving lives" to infringing on people's rights. I gotta hand it to them though, its a brilliant PR device.
But like I said, they have the right to choose any name they want, but we also have the right to choose not to dignify their misleading name by using it. Call them anti-choice like they are.

It ain't your money!

I'm getting sick and tired of people bitching about the government using "our money" to bail out these moron companies. It isn't our money, the government already took it off us, its the government's money now. I liken it to getting mugged in the alley for half your paycheck, you don't like it, but do you really care what the scumbag spends the money on? He can spend it on crack and whores or give it to The Salvation Army for all I care, either way, I know I'm not getting it back.


But, the people say, they're supposed to use that money to benefit the country, they're supposed to help us with that money. What I get from that argument is that they wouldn't have given the government the money if they knew what it was gonna do with it. Ummm, yes they would have, or they would've been sitting in a jail cell somewhere complaining about the sugar free Kool-Aid.


I think it may help if these people looked at taxes not as a worthwhile contribution to a worthy cause, but as the mandatory fee for the privilege of living here that it is.


So bitch about paying taxes all you want, I know I do, but don't come to me bitching about what they spend it on, because it ain't none of my business.

Did anyone bother to ask the cats?

Every year millions of cats are put to sleep to save them from a life of wandering the streets scrounging for food. I can tell you one thing, I'd rather be homeless than dead, and I'm sure that if you could ask the cats, they'd agree.
I gotta say that every cat I've ever seen running the streets seemed pretty happy to me. Hell, I gotta slide out the door sideways to keep my cats from getting out.
I can't understand how a society that argues that its the humane thing to do to kill a perfectly healthy cat can't afford the same courtesy to a terminally ill human. By that reasoning we'd be doing homeless people a favor if we declared open season on them. But although a cat deserves a good home and steady meal just as any human, a sick human doesn't have all the rights of a cat. That would be immoral.
If a cat is born into the wild, lived all its life in the wild, isn't that cat a wild animal? I mean we don't round up all the poor homeless squirrels and slaughter them wholesale. No, we give them nuts. To me a wild cat is nothing more than a giant squirrel that doesn't like nuts. Maybe instead of rounding up homeless cats for slaughter, we should just go to the park and throw sardines around.
I guess the biggest question of all is: How the hell did all these animals survive before we got here?